Finding Comfort

 Let me preface this by saying that we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  We are Christians and believe in the power of prayer.  We know that miracles can come when we put our faith and trust in God and His son, Jesus Christ.  We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that our Savior was with us every step of the way during one of the most difficult times in our lives.  From Lilly's diagnosis to the surgery, and with the recovery, He was with us.  He was lifting us up, giving us "hugs" and providing tender mercies to remind us that we were not alone.

Just hours after being told that our daughter needed open heart surgery, I felt inconsolable.  I cried for hours and hours, well into the early hours of the next day.  We messaged family and friends, telling them what had happened and what was going to take place.  Yet somehow, even sharing our news with those close to us didn't make the situation seem real.  Justin and I felt our world stop, almost as if we were living in slow motion.  We were already dealing with Justin's recovery from his car accident a week earlier, which resulted in him having a concussion.  We had just received news of my Grandma passing away hours before Lilly was diagnosed.  That entire day was filled with raw and heavy emotions for our family.

They say that trials/hardships come in threes, and boy did they ever.  Later that week, word got to our bishop about what our family was going through.  He called us and asked to meet with us as soon as possible.  We met with him that weekend after church.  He sat us down in his office, opened the scriptures and began to share his thoughts and feelings.  Before I get into that, I wish to share a story from the Book of Mormon, a book of scriptures that we believe to be a companion to the Bible.

In the Book of Mormon, there is a passage about a group of people and their leader, Alma, that were captured and put in bondage.  While in bondage, Alma and his people were persecuted by their captors because of their faith in Jesus Christ.  In addition to the persecution, they were told that they could not pray vocally or they would be killed by their captors.  Imagine how scary it would be to be in captivity, not being allowed to exercise your own faith, and live in fear of being killed just for praying out loud!  

Alma and his people decided to pray in their hearts, to maintain their faith, and avoid being killed.  Our bishop shared this story with us, one that both Justin and I heard multiple times since we were kids.  He proceeded to share the following:

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort...

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders...and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.  And now it came to pass that the burdens...were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear upon their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."  (Mosiah 24:13-15)

Eventually, Alma and his people were freed from bondage, but before they were set free they experienced the promises that God had given them.  He said that he would EASE their burdens, NOT take them away entirely.  Our bishop assured us that while we may be feeling so, so heavy at that time, God would ease that heaviness we were feeling.  He would help us to feel a little lighter as we turned to Him and placed our trust with Him.  And then, eventually, EVENTUALLY the heaviness would be completely gone.  We found SO much comfort in that meeting with our Bishop, and the testimony he shared with us.  That story was carried with us over the next few months.

We placed all our faith and trust in God, and knew that whatever happened was a part of His plan.  We still felt devastation, worry and heartache as we anticipated the surgery.  For me, I am sure my emotions were mixed in with postpartum depression.  It was a mental darkness that I had never experienced before.  I felt like I was in a never ending dream.  A huge part of me became hopeful as we got ready for surgery.  Hope that reality would somehow sink into my dark mind.  Hope that there would be something seen by the doctors that would change everything.  Hope that the surgery would be canceled and we would just need to exercise caution and give medication.  But nothing changed.  With each test, the results were always the same.  Open heart surgery was unavoidable.

Justin and I received priesthood blessings from our friend, each promising us that families can be together forever no matter what happens.  We were promised that death is not the end for all of us, and that if death was a result for Lilly, she would still be our daughter after this life.  We were promised that whatever happened was Heavenly Father's plan and it was done out of love.  Lilly also received a blessing.  I do not remember any of the words and promises that were given in her blessing.  But I do recall a little bit of peace creep in and push away a tiny bit of the darkness that consumed my mind.

The month in-between Lilly's diagnosis and her surgery was the most emotional and heavy time of our lives, but we somehow made it through.  We were reminded of the promises God makes with us when we put our trust in Him.  We were able to break through the barriers of weight that were placed on us.  We were able to find the comfort we needed.